The Heart of Parenting
Play, acceptance, curiosity, empathy
Core Insights
Explore how the principles of Play, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy build a solid foundation for parent-child relationships, enhancing mutual understanding and support.
Learn the significance of tuning into your child’s emotional pace, akin to a dance where your child takes the lead, fostering growth and deeper bonds.
Discover how PACE principles can also improve your interactions with others, showcasing flexibility in communication and relationship dynamics.
Play, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy (PACE) are at the heart of the parent/child relationship*. When you play with your child and unconditionally accept their feelings with empathy and open-minded curiosity, you strengthen your bond and ensure your child feels understood and supported, particularly during hard moments.
A key principle of PACE is to meet your child where they are, allowing them to set their own pace without pressure to open up before they're ready. It’s like a dance where your child leads and may sometimes choose to pause. This flexible approach honors your child’s current emotional state and sets the stage for deeper, future dances.
Accompanying your child through their emotional world with an open mind is essential—resist the urge to retreat into defensiveness or to prematurely offer reassurances and solutions. By creating a supportive space that allows your child to navigate their emotional landscape, and stepping into their emotional world to experience their feelings alongside them, you communicate that their feelings are manageable and they are not alone. This approach not only reinforces your child’s sense of security but also deepens the connection between you.
Parenting is an ongoing, imperfect journey filled with challenges and missteps. The key is to put yourself out there, repair when you mess up, and continuously evolve alongside your child, all while practicing self-compassion.
PLAY (“I want to connect with you”)
Playfulness infuses optimism, joy, and fun to your time with your child, strengthening your bond. By playing together and sharing enjoyable experiences, you both get to relish each other's company and discover new aspects of your relationship. This relaxed atmosphere allows your child to express themselves more freely than in more structured settings. Infusing humor and light-heartedness into your daily interactions shows your child that life doesn’t always have to be serious. Through play, you both find joy in life’s simple pleasures, creating lasting memories and deepening your connection.
ACCEPTANCE (“I see you and accept you”)
Unconditional acceptance is crucial for your child’s sense of safety, self-worth, and connection. When your child feels accepted, they become more open and honest, sharing their inner lives without fear of judgment. This type of acceptance communicates to your child that they are valued just as they are.
While accepting your child's feelings and intentions is vital, it does not mean approving all their behaviors. You can acknowledge their feelings while setting clear boundaries for behaviors that are harmful or unacceptable. This approach helps your child distinguish between their actions and their intrinsic worth.
It is important to always acknowledge your child’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with what they are saying. For instance, if your child says, 'I know you hate me,' avoid defensive responses ('How can you say that when I do so much for you'), quick reassurances ('I love you'), or immediate solutions ('We can spend more time together'). Such reactions signal to your child that you neither fully understand nor can handle their feelings.
The key is to stay present with the feelings your child is sharing (‘I know you hate me’). You might respond by saying, 'IF you think I hate you, I can see why you would feel so upset and angry.' This approach directly acknowledges your child’s emotions without agreeing that you hate them. By doing this, you demonstrate acceptance and understanding of your child’s underlying feelings, and you show a willingness to explore these emotions together.
Helpful Sentence Starters to Express Acceptance:
Thanks for sharing with me…
I can see how hard this is for you…
IF you feel … I can see why you….
I understand why this might seem unfair to you…
EMPATHY (“I feel your hurt”)
Empathy means stepping into your child’s emotional world and experiencing their feelings alongside them, ensuring they never feel alone. This profound connection is shown not just in what you say but also in how you say it—through your facial expressions, tone of voice, and body posture, all conveying warmth and understanding.
By showing empathy, you help your child feel understood and supported, regardless of how intense or difficult their emotions may seem. When you stay with your child through overwhelming or negative feelings, you communicate that you can handle their emotions together, which is crucial for navigating hard moments.
Empathizing during moments when your child is angry or disappointed with you can be challenging, but these situations are vital opportunities to deepen trust and reinforce emotional security. Demonstrating empathy in these times shows your commitment to your child’s well-being and the strength of your relationship.
Helpful Sentence Starters to Express Empathy:
It sounds like it’s been really tough...
I am so sorry it’s been so hard for you...
I really want to hear how it’s been for you…
I would also be sad/mad/disappointed if that happened to me…
CURIOSITY (“I want to understand you”)
Curiosity is key to helping your child open up about their inner world. It means adopting a quiet and accepting tone that shows a genuine desire to understand and not judge.
Children may sometimes act out without fully understanding why. By approaching these moments with curiosity, you convey that your aim is to understand their actions, not to criticize them. This approach allows you to discover that your child's behaviors often stem from complex emotions, thoughts, or perceptions that they may find difficult to handle.
When you communicate curiosity without judgment or irritation, you create a safe space for your child to explore and express their feelings. Combined with empathy, this approach strengthens your relationship and naturally encourages more positive behaviors by fostering understanding and cooperation. Curiosity leads to a deeper mutual understanding and respect, helping your child feel truly seen and accepted by you.
Helpful Sentence Starters to Express Curiosity:
I wonder if….
Could it be that…?
I am trying to imagine….
Can you help me understand…?
What do you think that was about?
It sounds like you might really be struggling with…
Is there a part of you that…
*NOTE: PACE is an attachment and brain-based parenting approach developed by Dan Hughes, the founder of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy. For more information, visit https://ddpnetwork.org. This post reflects my experience working with families and is inspired by the work of Dan Hughes and Dafna Lender. The post also includes insights from “What is meant by PACE?” by Hughes DA and Baylin J (2012), published in Brain-based parenting: The neuroscience of caregiving for healthy attachment, Norton, New York, NY.
